Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Aha Moment....

For those of you who have not heard, our family of three will be a family of four by April 2013. I know what you're thinking as I have heard it all "You two didn't waste any time," "wow, so soon," and "how old is Mark??" Most people were as shocked as we were. I found out on Friday the 13th (of July). To say that I was shocked is an understatement, it was more like jaw-dropping, haze-induced stupor. I just could not believe what that extra line meant. I went through the next few days feeling completely out of control and slightly panicked. I had so much worry it was making me nauseous. This was not part of our plan. I felt this way for several weeks until I had an aha moment. I was pretty stressed about what this would mean for our immediate future. I knew I wanted more kids, that wasn't the stressful part. It was all about the timing, a control-freak's MO. I could ramble on and on about why this isn't the perfect time, and how it changes everything or I could just shut up, and take a moment to realize how unbelievably blessed I am. After my a-ha moment, I decided to choose the latter. Because the fact of the matter is, I was being selfish. I was not seeing that second line for what it meant. Now, to say I am not still stressed would be a lie. I am terrified at times, but I am also over the moon excited more often than I am scared.

I remember saying when I had to have to a C-Section that the powers-that-be must really be trying to tell me that I have no control in this thing called life. Well, apparently, God must have felt I didn't hear his message, because he sent me to my knees with this one. Here I was, complaining about how this wasn't part of the plan, we wont have enough money, where will we live, blah blah blah, when I was deeply humbled by the thought of, "What if the person you are complaining to would give anything just to be in your shoes at this moment." That's when I realized I wasn't being punished, I wasn't being "taught a lesson," instead, I was being given a miraculous gift, and it was my job to love and cherish that gift, just as I did when Mark was first placed in my arms. I'm not sure why that thought popped into my head when it did, but I am certainly happy it did. One of my biggest worries was how Mark would feel with a new baby, and how it would take me away from him. My sister said it so perfectly: "Your love will not be divided, it will multiply." So simple, yet so true.

Now as I enter the 2nd Trimester, it is hard to recall those strong emotions I had initially. Part of that I know is due to the rush of pregnancy hormones that exaggerated EVERY thought, feeling, emotion. Today, I am excited about my "love child" as George so lovingly refers to Baby Bensabat #2. I cannot wait for Mark to discover being a big brother. I cannot wait to hold this sweet little gift and love him or her as strongly and without reservation as I do Mark. Thanks to everyone for their support through this, I have some pretty amazing friends and family who never told me to quit complaining, even though that is exactly what I needed to do. And if I offended anyone, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I was being selfish and inward looking and it took a moment of humility to put me back on course.

No comments:

Post a Comment