What did you say?!

Most recent words:

1. That's Yuck

2. Light (while pointing to the light)

3. Bubby

4. Jack (actually comes out "Ja" but we're working on it)

5. Opa (only every now and then)

6. Papa (same as above)

7. Daddy

8. Mommy

9. Lily and Layla

Watching Mark learn how to communicate is so awesome.

Boy oh Boy!

So in case you haven't heard, which I'm sure everyone has by now, we are having another BOY!! We found out yesterday. I was convinced that I was having a girl from the moment I saw the second line. My belief was reaffirmed since this pregnancy began so different from the first. But I guess it is true what everyone says, all pregnancies are differently no matter what. I would have been happy with either, so long as my baby is healthy. When you are younger you think about what gender you prefer and the birth order and so on and so forth. At least I did. Then again, I have wanted to be a mommy since I could tote around a baby doll. That desire took a brief dip circa 1999-2001  but in the back of my head, I always thought about my future children. Then you find out you are going to have a baby and all those concerns about pink or blue don't even matter. Maybe it is because I do a lot of reading, maybe it's because I am married to a doctor, but regardless, I am well aware of how miraculous of a gift a healthy baby is. When so many things can go awry, and they don't, well it is nothing short of a miracle in my eyes. I am not suggesting that a unique child or a child with different needs is in any way not a gift. I do not feel that way at all. I simply mean that for a baby to survive gestation, and be carried to full term with viability, well that leaves me feeling awed. Anyway, so when I got pregnant a second time, I thought it was a girl but it really didn't matter. I would be happy with a boy for a plethora of reasons, mostly, I love little boys and they love their mommas. Since Mark and Jack (yes, we've picked a name, more on that later) will be so close in age, how great that they are of the same sex?! And a small bonus, I don't have  to go shopping. My wallet and husband are very appreciative of that. Now, I do want a little girl at some point. We are not finished having children. They say if you want to be taken care of when you are old, you need a daughter. I agree wholeheartedly. Also, I have such a wonderful loving relationship with my mother, I want to experience that as well. I want to support my daughter as my mom does for me.

So we are having another boy and I am so excited about little Jack. Jack has always been my first pick for a baby boy name. Since before George and I got married, I had my boy and girl names picked. Jack was always it for a boy. But I also always knew that our first son would be named after George's father. And it helps that I love the name Mark. I also love the tradition and honor behind it. Bonus- it suits my little Mark. That being said, I am so excited I get to use my other favorite boy name. I find that once I give the baby a name, I feel more connected to the baby growing inside of me. I know it is nothing compared to the feeling I will experience when they place him in my arms, but for now, I feel even closer and connected to my Jack and that is a wonderful feeling.

Aha Moment....

For those of you who have not heard, our family of three will be a family of four by April 2013. I know what you're thinking as I have heard it all "You two didn't waste any time," "wow, so soon," and "how old is Mark??" Most people were as shocked as we were. I found out on Friday the 13th (of July). To say that I was shocked is an understatement, it was more like jaw-dropping, haze-induced stupor. I just could not believe what that extra line meant. I went through the next few days feeling completely out of control and slightly panicked. I had so much worry it was making me nauseous. This was not part of our plan. I felt this way for several weeks until I had an aha moment. I was pretty stressed about what this would mean for our immediate future. I knew I wanted more kids, that wasn't the stressful part. It was all about the timing, a control-freak's MO. I could ramble on and on about why this isn't the perfect time, and how it changes everything or I could just shut up, and take a moment to realize how unbelievably blessed I am. After my a-ha moment, I decided to choose the latter. Because the fact of the matter is, I was being selfish. I was not seeing that second line for what it meant. Now, to say I am not still stressed would be a lie. I am terrified at times, but I am also over the moon excited more often than I am scared.

I remember saying when I had to have to a C-Section that the powers-that-be must really be trying to tell me that I have no control in this thing called life. Well, apparently, God must have felt I didn't hear his message, because he sent me to my knees with this one. Here I was, complaining about how this wasn't part of the plan, we wont have enough money, where will we live, blah blah blah, when I was deeply humbled by the thought of, "What if the person you are complaining to would give anything just to be in your shoes at this moment." That's when I realized I wasn't being punished, I wasn't being "taught a lesson," instead, I was being given a miraculous gift, and it was my job to love and cherish that gift, just as I did when Mark was first placed in my arms. I'm not sure why that thought popped into my head when it did, but I am certainly happy it did. One of my biggest worries was how Mark would feel with a new baby, and how it would take me away from him. My sister said it so perfectly: "Your love will not be divided, it will multiply." So simple, yet so true.

Now as I enter the 2nd Trimester, it is hard to recall those strong emotions I had initially. Part of that I know is due to the rush of pregnancy hormones that exaggerated EVERY thought, feeling, emotion. Today, I am excited about my "love child" as George so lovingly refers to Baby Bensabat #2. I cannot wait for Mark to discover being a big brother. I cannot wait to hold this sweet little gift and love him or her as strongly and without reservation as I do Mark. Thanks to everyone for their support through this, I have some pretty amazing friends and family who never told me to quit complaining, even though that is exactly what I needed to do. And if I offended anyone, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I was being selfish and inward looking and it took a moment of humility to put me back on course.

What did you say??

So Mark is starting to say words. And it is the cutest thing. EVER. Seriously, that little voice. Ah, it just makes me feel so warm inside. As of today, just a little over 13 months old, here is what he can say

1. Dada: his personal favorite. Sometimes he calls the wrong man dada. He kept referring to Uncle Pierce as "dada". This is not as embarrassing as when he said dada to the woman who appeared to be transitioning to a man at a store that shall remain nameless. Talk about awkward!

2. Mama: My favorite! He used to only say it while crying. Now he says it while chasing me around the kitchen when I am trying to get dinner ready.

3. Woof: We kept saying, "what does the dog say" and he would say "woof." Now, whenever he sees a dog, he says "woof." Genius much?! I think so.

4. Roo-Ray: translation "Hooray." Whenever the song "if you're happy and you know it" comes on, he immediately says "rooray." He can't wait to get through the clapping of the hands and the stomping of the feet, he skips straight to his favorite part.

5. Uh-Oh: He has been saying this for at least 5 months but it is still just as precious. The connection he makes with the action is the best part!


That's it for now. I cannot wait for him to speak, and for all the funny things that kids most certainly say!

Mark's First Year in Pictures

Mark's First Year Slideshow.

Disclaimer: It's long.

Mark's Year in Review

Happy First Birthday to my sweet sweet  boy. I love you more than words can express. I wonder if the day of your birth will forever feel like it was yesterday. Because that is exactly as it feels now. I can still remember the butterflies in my stomach as daddy drove us to the hospital. I remember him trying to eat cereal out of a Mardi Gras cup and feeling too queasy to finish (you will soon learn that it takes a great deal to curb your father's appetite). I remember so few cars on the road (it was 3:00 am afterall). I remember feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience because unlike a mother who labors and delivers her baby, I knew that within a few hours, I would meet you. The anticipation was paralyzing. The excitement was palpable. I remember walking through those doors to the hospital  when it was still dark outside and stopping immediately to go to the restroom (of course). I remember feeling calm for the 2 hours or so of fetal monitoring and surgery prep. I will never forget the feeling when they said it was time to head to the OR. They could have wheeled me in but I remember telling myself "no, you are scared out of your mind but this, you have control over, you can walk in there with your own two feet." I was terrified but I walked in there, one hand closing my gown from behind and one hand pushing my iv-cart. My blood pressure spiked and it took ALOT  of work to place my epidural (apparently my vertebrae are close together). The nerves got the better of me and soon I became nauseous. I was literally a ball of nerves. I remember daddy coming in and me asking for his hand. I remember him stroking my face and telling me not to be scared, that I would be alright. I remember him standing to look over the curtain even though part of me didn't want him to. Then, I remember your glorious, healthy cry. That is when time stood still. I didn't have a care in the world other than that my baby boy is here at last and he is healthy. I could take a lifetime trying to explain that feeling, but the truth of the matter is I could never do it justice. One day you will understand, but not until they place your first child into your arms and you look into his or her eyes. Then you will know. Then you will understand. 

Although your birth is etched in my memory as if it were yesterday, the surrounding days are a blur of tears (both yours and mine), diaper changes, pain pills, pavlik harnesses and leaky boobs. I remember only feeling at peace when you were in my arms, I could not get enough of you. I could have drank your scent for an eternity. My perfect, healthy, strong baby boy. Those early days turned into weeks and into months. And my tears grew seldom, although yours did not necessarily. Although much of those early days left me with a sense of overwhelming emotions, I would live them over and over again if given the chance. But that is not an option, we must go on as life does and what a joy it has been to watch you grow. This past year has been a whirlwind. I cannot believe how fast it has flown even though we have done so much with you.

I think I always knew you would be strong-willed, I just didn't comprehend the extent. I had an inclination when your Apgar scores were 9 and 9, meaning you came out strong. My first clue should have been when you  wouldn't flip into the normal head down presentation so mommy could deliver you naturally. Oh well. You are a very good baby, happy most of the time. You are challenging when you are sick but I am pretty sure that is part of the male genetic makeup so I do not fault you for this. You love going out in public to people watch. In that respect, you are just like your father. In most other ways, you seem to have my personality. Good luck son, I drive alot of people crazy :) You are strong willed, and you like to be in control. You want to do for yourself. I don't mind letting you either because I strive to raise independent children who can do for themselves. You know what you like and what you don't and you will not be persuaded to do the latter. You could take or leave the whole eating thing. That is not like me or your father. You pretty much only like cheese. In my moments of exasperation, I tell myself that one day I will wonder how I ever complained about your small appetite  because I know in your teenage years, you will probably eat us out of house and home. Even though you aren't that interested in table food, nursing you seem to enjoy.  You have a smile that is infectious and you share it often. At school you have been referred to as the cute baby who is always smiling. I have to agree with their assessment, although I know I am biased. In my eyes, you are the most beautiful baby who ever existed. You love your puppies although the verdict is still out on whether the feeling is mutual. You love being outside or in the water. If you are in a mood, either of those will turn things around immediately. You love trying to figure out things are put together. You can be entertained with a bucket and small objects which you place in the bucket and pull out of repeatedly. The list of your abilities is endless, but it is enough to say that watching you discover this world is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

On your first birthday you are more of a toddler than a baby-baby. However, you will always be my baby. I will never be able to look at you without remembering this time, how you cling to me when you are upset, and how you still at my touch. I know those things will not always happen as you grow, but I will not be able to forget them. Nor would I ever want to. I vow not to treat you like a baby when you are older but in my heart, you will always be just that.

I wish Maw-Maw Boo could have been here physically with us this year. I know in my heart she would have shared my joy at watching you grow. I also know that in reality, she did just that. Albeit from far above. It gives me peace knowing that you have her as your guardian angel. She took excellent care of me in my tender years and I know she will do the same for you. Her love knows no bounds.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. I love you so much and cannot wait to celebrate all of your birthdays as you grow. Love always and forever, Mommy.

My (almost) Year in Review

As I approach the celebration of the one year anniversary of my first child's birth, I am contemplative. So much has changed, not much is the same. I am a little teary over how fast my sweet baby is growing but every age and stage is so much fun and I am so excited to watch him grow and develop. But I want to take a moment to reflect on the changes within me over the past year. There are too many to write I am sure of it. But here are a few.

So I run now. Yeah, hard for me to believe as well. If you would have told me that I would find enjoyment in this exercise a year and half ago, I would have laughed in your face. Now, when I say "enjoyment" I don't mean that I enjoy running in all regards. Specifically, I loathe the first 10 minutes or so of the act. I don't know how I find the strength to run past that period, but somehow I have. What I do enjoy is the feeling after the run is complete, the way my clothes fit afterwards, and my general psychological well-being throughout the day. I slightly enjoy the feeling after the first 10 minutes of running, only slightly. Those people who say they get a runner's high, well I don't know what in God's name they speak of. Maybe that is because I haven't run more than 35 minutes straight. Who knows. I don't think I will ever love any form of exercise that much as to get high off of it. I exercise because it makes me feel good afterwards, it makes me sleep better, it increases my endurance, and mostly, because it makes me healthier. That is the overall goal, to stick around as long as possible and spend as much time as possible with my family.

Now, I have always exercised ever since my senior year of high school (which is now more than 10 years ago, tear). I have had periods where I am consistent and stick with a program but overall, I exercise when I felt I needed to shed some pounds. My mentality changed in the summer of 2010 when I was unemployed and looked to P90X as a distraction. I started to feel incredibly strong and that feeling was better than watching the numbers drop on the scale (although that was certainly a good feeling as well). I was losing weight and feeling great and them BAM, I got pregnant. I had not reached my goal weight but who cares when you are going to be a momma!?! I managed to exercise until one week before I had Mark (my OB ordered me to stop). I did cardio and weights and it really helped me feel more comfortable. I did gain 32 pounds, more than I should have though not as bad as it could have been considering I deprived myself of nothing (food wise).  After my c-section, it was weeks before I could walk upright let alone think about exercising. However, I did the best calorie burner available- breast feeding! I lost 20 pounds within the first 2 months. Hallelujah! It took months before I could power/speed walk and being the throws of adjusting to parental life, it just didn't happen with any consistency. Knowing I needed to shed the rest of the baby weight (and then some), I joined weight watchers in January. I started increasing my exercise and would do jog/walk combination approximately 4-5 times per week. I was losing but it was Sllllooooowwww. At the end of April, I decided to try the Couch to 5K app and I couldn't be happier with the results. I am now working in weight training with the running and I feel myself getting stronger every day. That is a feeling that I love. I often ask myself why I think I can run now when I could NEVER do it before? The only change in my life (albeit a huge change) was having Mark. I don't think I really changed physically after having a baby. Well certainly not stronger, maybe weakened by the c-section. No, the change is mental. I view pain and discomfort in a completely different way. My tolerance for uncomfortable things has shifted and I view the entire concept drastically different. I know that like parenting, you have to be incredibly tough and oftentimes perform in a way that is less than pleasant. I also know that every parenting moment is not always "enjoyable," although at the end of the day, the overall experience is definitely such. Clearly, parenting is harder than exercising and obviously the rewards are greater, ten fold. But the truth is that walking through that door and parenting to the best of my ability has given me strength I didn't know I had. And that, is how I get past the first 10 minutes.

So here I am, one year after giving birth and I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant! YAY!!!! I was back in my pre-preggo jeans (which every woman knows is kind of a big deal) in 9 months and back to my pre-preggo weight in 10 months. To date, I have lost 38 pounds since having Mark. Now, I know that Mark weighed 8 pounds and then there are the other incidentals. But regardless, there was a lot of other stuff that wasn't just the baby and the incidentals. It feels so good to be rid of all that extra weight!

As I mentioned before, I have exclusively breastfed Mark since birth and we are still going strong. Not one drop of formula ever touched his perfect little lips, or any juice for that matter. I am extremely grateful that I was able to breastfeed for as long as I have. That is not to say it was always easy. The first few months were really hard. Seriously. I got a couple cases of clogged ducts, one case of mastitis, and I had oversupply issues. Even without those, breastfeeding is not easy at all initially. However, it is one of my finest accomplishments. My body has given my son life for over 22 months. That is powerful knowledge. I look at my body completely different now and am awed by its strength.

I know this post suggests that my biggest change in the past year has been physical. That is a misnomer. In reality, I am most changed in my heart. I am now a mother, which next to being a wife, is my most important role. I did not know I could love someone so much, from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I also didn't understand that this unconditional love grows deeper every day. I am a stronger and better person today because of my son. He has taught me so much about life and love that I will never be able to thank him enough. He makes me want to be a better person. Motherhood is fraught with challenges and is completely overwhelming at times but it gives meaning and purpose to this much-too-short journey of life. I can say without any doubts that it will be my greatest accomplishment and legacy in this earthly life.