Mark's First Year in Pictures

Mark's First Year Slideshow.

Disclaimer: It's long.

Mark's Year in Review

Happy First Birthday to my sweet sweet  boy. I love you more than words can express. I wonder if the day of your birth will forever feel like it was yesterday. Because that is exactly as it feels now. I can still remember the butterflies in my stomach as daddy drove us to the hospital. I remember him trying to eat cereal out of a Mardi Gras cup and feeling too queasy to finish (you will soon learn that it takes a great deal to curb your father's appetite). I remember so few cars on the road (it was 3:00 am afterall). I remember feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience because unlike a mother who labors and delivers her baby, I knew that within a few hours, I would meet you. The anticipation was paralyzing. The excitement was palpable. I remember walking through those doors to the hospital  when it was still dark outside and stopping immediately to go to the restroom (of course). I remember feeling calm for the 2 hours or so of fetal monitoring and surgery prep. I will never forget the feeling when they said it was time to head to the OR. They could have wheeled me in but I remember telling myself "no, you are scared out of your mind but this, you have control over, you can walk in there with your own two feet." I was terrified but I walked in there, one hand closing my gown from behind and one hand pushing my iv-cart. My blood pressure spiked and it took ALOT  of work to place my epidural (apparently my vertebrae are close together). The nerves got the better of me and soon I became nauseous. I was literally a ball of nerves. I remember daddy coming in and me asking for his hand. I remember him stroking my face and telling me not to be scared, that I would be alright. I remember him standing to look over the curtain even though part of me didn't want him to. Then, I remember your glorious, healthy cry. That is when time stood still. I didn't have a care in the world other than that my baby boy is here at last and he is healthy. I could take a lifetime trying to explain that feeling, but the truth of the matter is I could never do it justice. One day you will understand, but not until they place your first child into your arms and you look into his or her eyes. Then you will know. Then you will understand. 

Although your birth is etched in my memory as if it were yesterday, the surrounding days are a blur of tears (both yours and mine), diaper changes, pain pills, pavlik harnesses and leaky boobs. I remember only feeling at peace when you were in my arms, I could not get enough of you. I could have drank your scent for an eternity. My perfect, healthy, strong baby boy. Those early days turned into weeks and into months. And my tears grew seldom, although yours did not necessarily. Although much of those early days left me with a sense of overwhelming emotions, I would live them over and over again if given the chance. But that is not an option, we must go on as life does and what a joy it has been to watch you grow. This past year has been a whirlwind. I cannot believe how fast it has flown even though we have done so much with you.

I think I always knew you would be strong-willed, I just didn't comprehend the extent. I had an inclination when your Apgar scores were 9 and 9, meaning you came out strong. My first clue should have been when you  wouldn't flip into the normal head down presentation so mommy could deliver you naturally. Oh well. You are a very good baby, happy most of the time. You are challenging when you are sick but I am pretty sure that is part of the male genetic makeup so I do not fault you for this. You love going out in public to people watch. In that respect, you are just like your father. In most other ways, you seem to have my personality. Good luck son, I drive alot of people crazy :) You are strong willed, and you like to be in control. You want to do for yourself. I don't mind letting you either because I strive to raise independent children who can do for themselves. You know what you like and what you don't and you will not be persuaded to do the latter. You could take or leave the whole eating thing. That is not like me or your father. You pretty much only like cheese. In my moments of exasperation, I tell myself that one day I will wonder how I ever complained about your small appetite  because I know in your teenage years, you will probably eat us out of house and home. Even though you aren't that interested in table food, nursing you seem to enjoy.  You have a smile that is infectious and you share it often. At school you have been referred to as the cute baby who is always smiling. I have to agree with their assessment, although I know I am biased. In my eyes, you are the most beautiful baby who ever existed. You love your puppies although the verdict is still out on whether the feeling is mutual. You love being outside or in the water. If you are in a mood, either of those will turn things around immediately. You love trying to figure out things are put together. You can be entertained with a bucket and small objects which you place in the bucket and pull out of repeatedly. The list of your abilities is endless, but it is enough to say that watching you discover this world is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

On your first birthday you are more of a toddler than a baby-baby. However, you will always be my baby. I will never be able to look at you without remembering this time, how you cling to me when you are upset, and how you still at my touch. I know those things will not always happen as you grow, but I will not be able to forget them. Nor would I ever want to. I vow not to treat you like a baby when you are older but in my heart, you will always be just that.

I wish Maw-Maw Boo could have been here physically with us this year. I know in my heart she would have shared my joy at watching you grow. I also know that in reality, she did just that. Albeit from far above. It gives me peace knowing that you have her as your guardian angel. She took excellent care of me in my tender years and I know she will do the same for you. Her love knows no bounds.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby boy. I love you so much and cannot wait to celebrate all of your birthdays as you grow. Love always and forever, Mommy.

My (almost) Year in Review

As I approach the celebration of the one year anniversary of my first child's birth, I am contemplative. So much has changed, not much is the same. I am a little teary over how fast my sweet baby is growing but every age and stage is so much fun and I am so excited to watch him grow and develop. But I want to take a moment to reflect on the changes within me over the past year. There are too many to write I am sure of it. But here are a few.

So I run now. Yeah, hard for me to believe as well. If you would have told me that I would find enjoyment in this exercise a year and half ago, I would have laughed in your face. Now, when I say "enjoyment" I don't mean that I enjoy running in all regards. Specifically, I loathe the first 10 minutes or so of the act. I don't know how I find the strength to run past that period, but somehow I have. What I do enjoy is the feeling after the run is complete, the way my clothes fit afterwards, and my general psychological well-being throughout the day. I slightly enjoy the feeling after the first 10 minutes of running, only slightly. Those people who say they get a runner's high, well I don't know what in God's name they speak of. Maybe that is because I haven't run more than 35 minutes straight. Who knows. I don't think I will ever love any form of exercise that much as to get high off of it. I exercise because it makes me feel good afterwards, it makes me sleep better, it increases my endurance, and mostly, because it makes me healthier. That is the overall goal, to stick around as long as possible and spend as much time as possible with my family.

Now, I have always exercised ever since my senior year of high school (which is now more than 10 years ago, tear). I have had periods where I am consistent and stick with a program but overall, I exercise when I felt I needed to shed some pounds. My mentality changed in the summer of 2010 when I was unemployed and looked to P90X as a distraction. I started to feel incredibly strong and that feeling was better than watching the numbers drop on the scale (although that was certainly a good feeling as well). I was losing weight and feeling great and them BAM, I got pregnant. I had not reached my goal weight but who cares when you are going to be a momma!?! I managed to exercise until one week before I had Mark (my OB ordered me to stop). I did cardio and weights and it really helped me feel more comfortable. I did gain 32 pounds, more than I should have though not as bad as it could have been considering I deprived myself of nothing (food wise).  After my c-section, it was weeks before I could walk upright let alone think about exercising. However, I did the best calorie burner available- breast feeding! I lost 20 pounds within the first 2 months. Hallelujah! It took months before I could power/speed walk and being the throws of adjusting to parental life, it just didn't happen with any consistency. Knowing I needed to shed the rest of the baby weight (and then some), I joined weight watchers in January. I started increasing my exercise and would do jog/walk combination approximately 4-5 times per week. I was losing but it was Sllllooooowwww. At the end of April, I decided to try the Couch to 5K app and I couldn't be happier with the results. I am now working in weight training with the running and I feel myself getting stronger every day. That is a feeling that I love. I often ask myself why I think I can run now when I could NEVER do it before? The only change in my life (albeit a huge change) was having Mark. I don't think I really changed physically after having a baby. Well certainly not stronger, maybe weakened by the c-section. No, the change is mental. I view pain and discomfort in a completely different way. My tolerance for uncomfortable things has shifted and I view the entire concept drastically different. I know that like parenting, you have to be incredibly tough and oftentimes perform in a way that is less than pleasant. I also know that every parenting moment is not always "enjoyable," although at the end of the day, the overall experience is definitely such. Clearly, parenting is harder than exercising and obviously the rewards are greater, ten fold. But the truth is that walking through that door and parenting to the best of my ability has given me strength I didn't know I had. And that, is how I get past the first 10 minutes.

So here I am, one year after giving birth and I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant! YAY!!!! I was back in my pre-preggo jeans (which every woman knows is kind of a big deal) in 9 months and back to my pre-preggo weight in 10 months. To date, I have lost 38 pounds since having Mark. Now, I know that Mark weighed 8 pounds and then there are the other incidentals. But regardless, there was a lot of other stuff that wasn't just the baby and the incidentals. It feels so good to be rid of all that extra weight!

As I mentioned before, I have exclusively breastfed Mark since birth and we are still going strong. Not one drop of formula ever touched his perfect little lips, or any juice for that matter. I am extremely grateful that I was able to breastfeed for as long as I have. That is not to say it was always easy. The first few months were really hard. Seriously. I got a couple cases of clogged ducts, one case of mastitis, and I had oversupply issues. Even without those, breastfeeding is not easy at all initially. However, it is one of my finest accomplishments. My body has given my son life for over 22 months. That is powerful knowledge. I look at my body completely different now and am awed by its strength.

I know this post suggests that my biggest change in the past year has been physical. That is a misnomer. In reality, I am most changed in my heart. I am now a mother, which next to being a wife, is my most important role. I did not know I could love someone so much, from the moment I first laid eyes on him. I also didn't understand that this unconditional love grows deeper every day. I am a stronger and better person today because of my son. He has taught me so much about life and love that I will never be able to thank him enough. He makes me want to be a better person. Motherhood is fraught with challenges and is completely overwhelming at times but it gives meaning and purpose to this much-too-short journey of life. I can say without any doubts that it will be my greatest accomplishment and legacy in this earthly life.

Before I forget

Mark,

History has clued me in that my memory will fade and there will be a time when these events escape me. In preparation for the future, here is a list, in no particular order, of what you have been up to as of late:

1. You are happiest when you are outside.

2. You sleep like an angel. You go down for the night at 8 pm and sleep untill 7 am. It is our fear that your future siblings will not sleep as well as you. So far, you take after both mommy and daddy in this respect.

3. You sleep so much sounder in our bed. It is tempting to let you sleep in our bed more often but you are our first child and we are determined not to create too many bad habits. yet. Besides, you do love your bed. So much that you wont let mommy rock you to sleep.

4. You wave bye-bye.



5. You say uh-oh. It's is adorable when you drop something and say it right after.

6. You HATE having your diaper changed, or putting clothes on. I think you'd be naked all the time if you had your way. According to mimi, mommy was the same at your age. I dread when you discover how to take your diaper off.

7. You nurse 4 times per day. I am not sure if you will self-wean, but my inclination is that you will need some urging from me.

8. You pretty much say daddadada all day. Every now and then you look at me and say mama and my heart melts. I have been trying to teach you "duck" and "dog" which I think you are trying to say when it comes out "DA" and not followed by another "da"

9. You dance whenever there is a beat. of any kind. You even danced to the rythmic beat of the dog panting the other day.

10. You have 8 teeth! 4 on top and 4 on bottom. And, no it doesnt hurt when you nurse because you don't use them to nurse. It only hurts when you are done eating and you get bored. OUCH! That rarely happens anymore, thank God.

11. You have discovered that where the dogs sleep is also big bowl of water, perfect for splashing. AND, you want in all. the. time.

12. You are cruising, full speed ahead.

13. You started climbing. So far, it's just on the bumbo...I'm a little nervous about what is to come.

14. You are a happy baby.

15. You chew on your pointer finger...I think this may mean you are getting more teeth!

16. You LOVE the water. The $10 kiddie pool from Target was a wonderful investment.

17. You love being around people. We can take you anywhere because watching people makes you happy. Your particular favorite is the grocery.

18. You are over the "only mama" phase and love your dada. You go to him willingly and with a smile on your face.

19. You play well with others. For now. I attribute this mostly to daycare although I know the no-sharing phase is probably right around the corner.

20. You love water. Just like me! No juice for you yet, only water and you are totally fine with that. 

Video Montage

I haven't blogged in almost a month. The truth is two fold. Mostly, I haven't felt inspired or felt the need/desire to write. Secondly, and probably the primary reason, I have been soaking up the moments spent with this adorable face.

George had weekends off for about 4 weeks in a row and it. was. FABULOUS. Seriously, I forgot what weekends actually feel like and it was so lovely to do things as a family. Have I mentioned how much I CANNOT WAIT for residency to be over with and to have my husband back?! Anyway, I have been trying to really be in the moment with my family. Which means when Mark is awake, he has my attention (for the most part, I do have to keep a house y'all). I find myself staring at him, and feeling so overwhelmed with emotions that are difficult to describe in words. But I'll try. They include love, hope, adoration, anticipation, nervousness, fear, joy, elation, and awe. You get the idea, I am totally head over heels in love with Mark, sad about how fast he is growing, yet simultaneously excited; scared about what the future holds yet equally, if not more, hopeful. I love this little guy so much and I am amazed by him every day. I am so unbelievably blessed to watch him grow. I could go on and on with adjectives because the truth is motherhood, and parenting in general, encapsulates so many varying emotions. At the end of the day, I would say I all of those emotions combine and leave me with a sense of peacefulness.

Other than relishing in raising my baby boy, I have been planning his First Birthday party. I seriously should have been an event planner, it is my passion. Oh well, my kids (and George) will just have to suffer my compulsions turning ordinary activities into events for the rest of their lives. Did you notice I said his FIRST birthday party?!?! How can it be? It does not feel like a year ago that we met our son. It feels more like 6 months. It amazing how my perception of time has shifted.

Mark has been discovering new things like  crazy, and it is so fun to watch. Here are a few videos of his most recent activities....

....You will see a good bit of this going on, and every day, he gets a little better at maneuvering this thing:



 
...this is new and I think he picked this up from Bennett Maloan. We had a wonderful play date with Bennett and his mommy, Lindsay. Bennett is 18 months and was interested in the Bumbo. Mark, who has ignored this thing for as long as I can remember, was somehow fascinated with it the very next day....
 

...And every day, without fail, you will see ALOT of this...

Ok, so now that I am back to writing, I have about 3-4 different posts swirling around in my head....stay tuned!!!

A little of this, a little of that

Jeez, I have really fallen behind in my blogging. and just when I promised to do better. Sorry! All I can say is that things have picked up at work (slightly) and at home (tremendously) so I have little time for much else. SO MUCH has been going on. George's work schedule has eased up quite a bit so we are getting a lot more family time. Here are some recent  snip-its of what has been going on in the Bensabat household, in no particular order:

1. We had a trainer evaluate Lilly. She didn't see anything that made her think Lilly needed to be re-homed. We got some training tips that we are trying to fit into our hectic schedules. She noted that re-homing Lilly would be more traumatic to her because of her age than it would be to keep her kenneled 24/7. In the meantime, I am trying to give her extra love when Mark goes to bed, not yelling at her when she is near the baby, and allowing Mark to feed her from his highchair so that she associates positive feelings towards him. We are taking it one day at a time...this I find, is my new mantra.

2. We took an adults-only trip. I highly recommend it for all parents. Even if it is just a night at home with the kiddos at the grandparents. We were refreshed and recharged when we picked up Mark on Sunday. It was really nice to have one day to only think about me. I love my life but at times, a break is nice.

3. Updates about my sweet boy: Mark got another tooth, for a grand total of 7. He is standing on his own for a few seconds at a time. He LOVES music and has quite the rhythym (see video below). He LOVES cheese, and not much else. Food is going to be a battleground I can see. Every morning, after he nurses, he is the sweetest most cuddly baby ever. He just lays on me while I scratch his back.  He loves being around people, the grocery is one of his favorites. He does not like NOT sleeping in his own bed.

4. We have a big decision coming up soon. George is about to begin his third and final year of residency and with that means the job hunt is on. Stay tuned for updates!

Currently, I am planning our vacation to the keys (think grocery lists, packing lists, menus etc.) Yes, I have a problem. I am also planning Mark's first Birthday party which is kind of a big deal. Even if he does not remember it, I always will. I am trying not to think too hard about the fact that my baby boy is almost one! I feel like he just got here. Life goes by way too fast. I am also trying to make a special slideshow of his first year (a tradition I hope to continue until he is 18 as well as for my future children). THAT is taking up a lot of time. I promise (for the fifty-first time) that I will be better about blogging. I have been trying to spend more time with my family since George is home more often now.

Parenthood Dilemma # 1 out of thousands

For those of you who know our dogs well, you all know we have been worried about Lilly's ability to get along with our future children. Well, fast forward to present day and our worst fears have been realized. She is threatened by my sweet baby Mark. We know what must be done but it is breaking our hearts to think about getting rid of Lilly. Melissa said it best when she said "if she only knew what repercussions she just started..."  You see, Lilly is slightly obsessed with me. It is probably my fault as I treated her like my child from day one. I even held her on my hip (my clock has been ticking for a while now :) ). She would nap on my chest. When she got older, she would sleep in my bed, under the covers with one head on the pillow and I would scratch her until we both fell asleep. In short, the dog is rotten. And because I got her when I was in college, I had oodles of time to devote and attention to pour on her. Now, not so much. I feel so guilty about what little time I have to give to my child, that I honestly don't give Lilly much attention at all. Part of me feels bad about it, part of me doesn't. Anyway, Lilly would be content to sit by my side all day and have me scratch her back. It's like she remembers how it used to be. Mind you, we are talking about something that occurred over 5 years ago. But she must remember.

When we brought Mark home I thought things would go great. Lilly wanted to be by Mark and me and she never showed any signs of stress or aggression. Now that he is crawling, it is a different story. Remember how I said Mark is enamoured with Lilly and Layla, well kick it up a notch now that he crawls. I was not home to witness it but he crawled up to Lilly and was pulling her hair and touching her and she snapped at him, but did not bite him. We were freaked out but were willing to discount the event since he was harassing her. However, the next day, when Mark was crawling in her general direction, she bared all of her teeth and was snarling at him. I've seen the look before. She does it to other dogs and if they move any closer she will literally lose her sh* and go psycho until the dog is belly up. That terrified me. Two days in a row, and none of her toys or any food were out. She does not want Mark by her.

We called the vet who recommended a behavioralist but did not seem optimistic about the chances of Lilly and Mark being able to co-exist, unless they are kept entirely separate. She also acknowledged how difficult it is to keep an animal entirely separate from a baby. She confirmed that we were right to take this situation very seriously. Lilly is a big dog- almost 70 pounds. She has made other dogs bleed. She is extremely dog aggressive and the only dog she gets along with is her sister, although there have been times when they fight so bad blood is shed. Although those instances are very seldom, maybe once a year if that. She also bit my little brother when he was 9. He was messing with her collar and when he did not stop, she bit him. On his face. She didn't break skin but he had teeth indentations on his face.

As I sit here typing about her past behavior, I see the writing is on the walls. My dog does not like children, she feels threatened for whatever reason. We are going to try the behavioralist but I am not optimistic. In some ways, it will be easier to hear a detached professional tell us that it would be better if we re-homed her. Then I would feel like we gave Lilly a chance. I can't imagine her in another house, with another family. Or our family without her. I thought my kids would develop a relationship with her, atleast Mark. And remember her fondly. Unfortunately I dont think that will happen anymore. Although Lilly does not like other dogs or small children, she has been a wonderful dog. She LOVES adults. She will literally lay by your feet all day. Of course she expects a little back scratch in return. But in all, she is a wonderful dog in a home of adults. I will be so sad if we have to get rid of her but I have to make the best decision for my child. I cannot and will not put him in danger when I can prevent it.